Bliss
by whoviangirl99
Summary: A dark seceret that Rose never knew about the Doctor...


**Here is a different kind of Doctor Who Fanfiction. The Doctor is quite out of character, but that is what I wanted him to be like in this particular Fanfic. **

**_THIS FANFICTION HAS THEMES OF SELF HARMING, IF YOU DO NOT WISH TO READ ABOUT SELF HARM THEN PLEASE STOP READING HERE!_**

The Doctor and Rose rushed into the TARDIS, The Doctor slams the door shut behind him and leans against it. Rose clutches the handrail next to her, breathing heavily.

'Your... Fault' Rose said, still breathing heavily.

'I know, sorry, I thought the planet had no one living there.' The Doctor said walking away from the door and started to flick some random switches.

The long blue cylinder in the middle started to move up and down.

'Just gonna fly us into the vortex, think we need a bit of a rest from all the running' The Doctor continued with a slight chuckle.

'I should think so, just ran bloody miles.' Rose said, her breathing now back to normal.

'When don't we run miles?' The Doctor said, shooting her a cheeky smile.

Rose walked around the console and sat down on the captain's chair, The Doctor soon joined her.

He took off his suit jacket, and loosened his tie a little. He then rolled up his shirt sleeves up to his elbows, but then suddenly pulled them down again, as if he was hiding something. Rose thought nothing of it.

The Doctor stretched out his longs legs, and rested them on the console. He sighed and flung his head back.

'What's up?' Rose said, turning her head towards him.

'The little boy in the prison cell.' The Doctor said closing his eyes, with his head resting on the back of the semi-sofa.

'You couldn't of helped him Doctor, the guard said he was dying from a disease, a disease with no cure. It was only a matter of time.' Rose said in a small, comforting voice while rubbing her hand up and down his arm.

'I know, but I am the Doctor, I can do anything. I should've been able to save him!' The Doctor fisted his hair and pulled it painfully. Rose was surprised that he didn't rip out huge clumps .  
'You cannot do everything, no one should have that power. But you did help the boy.' Rose said.

'How did I help him?' The Doctor opened his eyes and looked at her, hands still in his hair.

'You made him happy before he left, you made him laugh and smile when he thought he could never laugh or smile again.' Rose said giving him a small smile.

'Suppose I did, didn't I?' The Doctor said, dropping his hands to his side.

Rose nodded, smiling.

The Doctor leant over and kissed her forehead.

'Thank you' He whispered into her hair, he kissed her head again, then sat back.

She smiled at him, then got up. His eyes followed her up.

'I'm gonna have a shower, see ya in a bit' Rose said, she then leant down and kiss the top of his head, his hair tickled her face, but it was him.  
Such an indescribable smell.

The Doctor simply nodded with a small smile, Rose left for her room for a long, well deserved shower.

She knew that he was sad, but it truly was not his fault, Rose thought of when The Doctor told silly jokes to the sick little boy, making him smile and laugh, but each of the boy's laughs was interrupted with a heart wrenching cough. The little boy died in the Doctor's arms, he was stroking his hair and whispering gallifreyan words to him. Rose's eyes prickled with tears as she remembered it. Rose wondered if the Doctor had a son, she pondered about that on her way back to her room.

The Doctor fiddled with the console for a few minutes before leaving for his own room.

He needed to do it. He had to do it. He deserved it.

Doing a slight jog to his room, he walked in, and locked the door behind him.  
He ripped off his shirt and tie and threw them across his four-poster bed. Not even bothering to take off his shoes he walked into his en suite bathroom, locking the door.

He leaned on the bathroom door and closed his eyes, sighing.  
It was nice to be alone.  
He loved Rose, he really did. He loved her with all his hearts, but he just needed time to stop his mind.  
His brain never switched off, always thinking, pointing out all the wrongs he has ever done, flashes of the Time War always burning through his memory.

He opened his eyes and walked over to the bathroom cabinet, he reached up, and got the blades down from the top of the shelf. His friends. His enemies.  
Looking down at his forearm, he ran his long skinny fingers over the white and red bumps of the scars.  
He really needed to stop, he'd stop tomorrow, he promised himself. A promise he knew that he would not keep.

He glided the blade across his skin, on a small patch just above the wrist. Blood instantly bubbled out, dripping into the sink.  
But what the Doctor did not see was the small drop of blood fall and land on his converse, the crimson red stood out on the white sneakers.  
He was too busy damaging himself to notice, after doing around 5 cuts on his arm, he shakily put the blade down in the sink.

The Doctor opened his eyes and looked down to his sink, blood pooled in the middle, the Doctor reached over and grabbed some tissues from the box and slowly wiped the blood away from his fresh cuts. When they finally stopped bleeding, his chucked them down the toilet and flushed it.

The Doctor turned on the tap to wash away any remaining blood, washing away all evidence. He looked at himself in the mirror, hands either side of the sink,  
he pressed his forehead on the mirror, tears slowly spilling out of his eyes.

It was an act, it was all just an act. He put on that goofy grin, he put it all on. On the inside he was a tired, old man. Tired of losing everything and everyone he loved. He loved Rose so much, if it wasn't for her he would have committed suicide to his last life. But he still needed to punish himself. For all the deaths he had caused, all the lives he could not save. Most of them were not even his fault, he knew that, but someone needed to take the blame. And he was the only one willing to.

The Doctor unlocked the bathroom door, and put on a dark blue,long-sleeved top, not bothering with a suit jacket or anything else, he turned off his bedroom light and walked out to go find Rose to watch a film, he needed some Rose hugs to settle him.

Walking along the corridor he heard singing coming from the kitchen in front of him.

'Why you gotta play that song so loud? Because we want to, because we want to.' Rose sung loudly.

The Doctor poked his head around the door and silently watched her make two teas, his laugh gave himself away,  
Rose spun around and turned bright red, but started to laugh along too.

'We're gonna watch a movie tonight' The Doctor after the laughter died down.  
'Okay, what do you wanna watch?' Rose said, passing him his tea which he gratefully accepted.  
'Uh, I don't actually, whatever really, I could just do with some blankets, a movie and stuff' The Doctor laughed.  
'Okay then' Rose agreed laughing along again.

They both walked to the living room which was only next door, they sat themselves on the couch, The Doctor stretched his legs out on the table in front of him.  
That's when Rose spotted it. Crimson on white.

'Doctor, why is there blood on your shoe?' Rose questioned sounding a bit worried, looking at him.  
The Doctor's hearts thumped hard against his chest, 'quick, think fast' he told himself.

'Oh,I must have cut myself shaving and the cut must have spilt some blood on my trainers' The Doctor lied, forcing a small smile at her

'But, you have a stubble, you couldn't have shaved, and that blood wasn't there earlier, Doctor' Rose said biting her lip.

'Uh, well, I don't know, must have sliced my finger of something, no need to worry Rose' The Doctor lied once more.  
'Okay' Rose said carefully, but again put it passed her.

After choosing a random film from 2035, they settled down once more and began to watch the romantic thriller.  
Rose cuddled up to the Doctor's side, he automatically put his arm around her shoulders bringing her in closer.  
All his thoughts seemed to quieted down, still running thought his head, but he was so relaxed that he could put them past him.

The movie finished and the sat there in a comfortable silence as the credits started to roll.  
The Doctor sighed as he withdrew his arm from around Rose's shoulders and stood up.

'We've still go to do the washing up' The Doctor said, switching off the T.V

'You wash up, I dry up?' Rose asked, already knowing the answer The Doctor nodded, flashing her a grin.

They walked to the kitchen, hand in hand. This had sort of became a ritual between them now. Him washing up, her drying up. and doing very domestic stuff. Like a proper human couple. But they're not, he's an alien, 900 years old.  
She's a 20-year-old human girl. It can't be. And the Doctor knew that, but he would never accept it.

They made it to the kitchen and The Doctor filled the sink with hot, soapy water.  
Rose had turned around to get a towel.  
The Doctor rolled up his sleeves, not thinking.  
He dipped his arms into the water, and started to scrub the plates.

Rose now standing next to him, towel in hand.  
The Doctor picked up the now clean plate and went to hand it to Rose.

Rose went to reach for the plate he was handing her, when she saw it.  
Blood leaking through his skin, turning the bubbles on his arms red.  
She gasped.

The Doctor dropped the plate on the side, it clattered loudly on the side, but both of them didn't seem to notice.  
'Doctor..' Rose whispered, breaking the silence.

The Doctor quickly dunked his arms back in the water, but the bubbles had now died down, the water almost clear.  
Red swirling in the cloudy water. There was no hiding it.  
Rose slowly and carefully reached out and grabbed his arms by his elbows, and slowly pulled out the water.

She saw them all, scars, all down both forearms. Blood seeping through about 7 of them.  
The Doctor expected, her to shout at him for being stupid, but she didn't.  
She took one of his arms and held it out in front of her.

Tears still running down her cheeks, she carefully dabbed the cuts with the kitchen towel.  
The Doctor was shocked, utterly shocked.  
When the cuts stopped bleeding she carried on the same motion with the other arm.  
All the cuts had stopped bleeding now.  
Rose turned around and opened the medical cupboard and got out some cleansing wipes.  
She got them out and again, wiped all the cuts.  
She was surprised that he didn't flinch, because she knew that it would sting a bit.

Tears were now slowly falling down the Doctor's cheek.  
He was not expecting this. Not at all. He would have shown her sooner if he knew that she was going to do this.  
God, he couldn't believe that he was actually afraid to tell her. She had proven that she was the one, well, she already had.  
But she had proven that he was so stupid and blind. He loved her.

'Please, talk to me, Doctor' Rose whispered to him.  
'Let's go somewhere more comfortable, yeah?' The Doctor said.  
She nodded, taking his hand.  
He led them to the library.

They sat down on a large dark green couch, facing the lit fireplace.  
They sat facing each other.  
The Doctor's sleeves still up by his elbows, no pointing hiding them now.

'Why?' Rose asked, her voice tears finally stopped, but even an idiot could see that she was scared, worried, angry.  
'Because I deserve it.' The Doctor replied, he sounded like a little boy. But the Doctor continued, not letting Rose say anything.  
'Don't you say that I don't, don't you dare say that I don't deserve this pain, because I do. So many deaths I have caused, I killed all of my people,  
my friends, my family, everyone. So much blood on my hands, no matter how hard I scrub at them with soap. It never seems to go' The Doctor whispered,  
tears now spilling through his eyes again.

Rose didn't say anything. She took hold of his arms once more, and kissed along his cuts, not missing a single one.  
She then, held his hands, and kissed his fingertips.  
'Better?' She whispered.

The Doctor did a small nod, because it did. She cared, she really cared about him. And that seemed to help him that little bit.  
She then took his hand and stood up, now it was him following him.  
She led to the one place he was not expecting. His room.  
Rose opened the door, and led him in.  
She led him to his bed and pulled him down on the bed to sit next to her.

Both sitting down, she pulled him into a tight hug.  
Neither of them knew how long they were hugging for.  
But somehow they had shifted position so they were now laying down. The Doctor's head was resting on her chest while she stroked his hair, kissing his head every now and then.  
Suddenly Rose got up 'I'll be back in 2 secs, stay here' She said, then left before he could react.

Literally 30 seconds later she returned holding her black eyeliner.  
She sat back down on the bed, and took hold of the Doctor's arms and wrote one 'I love you' in swirly, beautiful handwriting.  
Tears falling once more down both their cheeks.

The Doctor looked up, he opened his mouth, then shut it again.  
He leant forward and slowly kissed her, which she returned just as slowly.  
The kiss got more passionate, he broke it off.  
'I love you too, and I am so so-' The Doctor was cut off by Rose kissing him again.  
'I know, I know' Rose said.

He laid her down on the bed, and they had a night of pure bliss.

**And that's the end. Hope you enjoyed it.**

**I know that it was a bit depressing, but you never know, it could've happened!**

**I know that the Doctor was kinda out of out of character, but oh well.**

**PLEASE REVIEW! **


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